Hello my lovely friends,
I know it's been a long time. Probably because I've been afraid to write anything about this inevitable event.
We broke up last night. Or to be more specific - he broke up with me. But I had been thinking about it for a while. Well, I think around 30% of me was thinking about breaking up with him. The other 70% of me was hoping against hope that it was going to work.
His reason? He can't commit to a long term relationship with me. He fears he is too shallow, and like his father before him, he will leave me for a younger woman in 5, 10, 20 years. He possibly could keep it going, but he doesn't know for how long, and he doesn't feel sure enough that it will end happily ever after, so he wants to stop disappointing me and let me go.
I told him I felt sorry for him. That he would end up alone. 'Probably..' he said.. And he knows he will regret breaking up with me, but I told him there would be no second chance.
It's all him, it's not me. I gave the best of myself to the relationship. I tried my hardest, but also probably gave up some of myself in the process. I felt I compromised for him, because I feared if I pressed too hard for what I wanted, I would lose him.
I'm not going to blog any more for a while. I don't feel that there is anything I can talk about. I'm just going to try and piece myself back together again and carry on.
I don't think NYC is in the picture any more - I do still desperately want to go there, but not until I'm in a better frame of mind. And he is going back there at the end of this month anyway. Right now all I can think about is moving back to Sydney. The problem there is that I do actually love my job and don't really want to leave it. But I miss my family and my friends so terribly, that I just feel alone now in Wellington. I have 'friends' but no-one I feel very close to.
How do I get through this? Everyone says - keep busy, make a clean break, don't contact him. I know that's what I have to do, but my heart is so far down in my stomach right now, that all I want to do is curl up into a little hole and disappear. Yes, time will heal it. And I know it's for the best. It was only making me sad anyway, and today is the beginning of the end of that sadness. Is that a positive? I think it has to be. I know this feeling of despair will pass - it always does. I know I will feel better. I just can't see it yet.
My plan tonight - to go straight to yoga class at 8pm. Skype my friend Cathie at 9:30pm. Try and get some sleep (because I have just had my first entirely sleepless night last night). Then tomorrow night I am going to look at a potential new flat to move to, in a different suburb.
I feel like the past 11 months since we started properly dating has been a waste of time. What a horrible feeling. Please let it pass quickly!
xx
Babe, it was not a waste of time, it was a life experience and despite the horribleness you are feeling now embrace what you had with him for that time and know that you will be ok. You will get through this and you will learn from the relationship you had.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't feel like blogging write in a journal just for you, I find writing stuff down helps clear my head, so it might help you also.
You're are allowed to be sad and miserable for a while, but don't let that consume the beautiful person you are.
I'm sending hugs via the net ooooooooxxxxxxxxxx
Oh Ali. I am so so sorry. None of it was a waste. Don't ever think that it was. It's so hard to get that kind of connection with someone that when you do you have to pursue it and you did. You did everything right, Ali.
ReplyDeleteHe's just not the one for you.
Moving into a new apartment will be a great start to a new beginning. Can you come back to Sydney just for a visit? Catch up with everyone, have some drinks with the girls and go back to NZ refreshed?
If not, hit skype big time! And make lots of Wellywood plans - movies, dinners, yoga... Join a club maybe?
Find something that you can look forward to and keep busy and distracted as much as possible.
But it is okay to be sad too. And be sad for as long as you need to. It's important to mourn the end of relationships and I think that's one privilege that we ladies have that men don't.
I am really sorry to heat that it hasn't worked out with Stu. But it's because there is someone else for you.
Sending you massive hugs (and an email!)
xx K
Dearest Ali,
ReplyDeleteBiggest hugs in the world to you. I think you're the greatest, and great things are heading your way.... because the universe has just made some room for them.
I know there's nothing I can say to make the pain go away. I know that intellectually you already know what to do, because you give such great advise to others and even to yourself in your wonderful blog and emails.
So then you probably already know to be super kind to your self right now. And if that means watching The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants and eating nacho's for the next three nights in the row, then that's just fine. Hot baths, new earrings? Go nuts ;)
I wish I was there, and we could go travelling together for a weekend. Can you get away for a weekend to Oz? Friends are such a lifeline. Please skype or call if you'd like to just chill, talk or even not talk about anything. +1646-673-5348.
Lots of love, and good thoughts to you, luvy,
Ally
xoxoxox