Breathing again..

Hello you gorgeous girls! Thank you all for your warm thoughts in my final countdown for The Boy's return - it was an anxious few days, and you should have felt my heart booming through my chest as I stood at Gate 10 waiting for him to get off the plane... My whole body was shaking!

Just a quick update to let you know all is well..

The Boy is BACK! Phew!

We're still settling in and getting used to each other again..

Taking it slow..

Remembering why we like each other..

Really looking forward to finishing work for the year and having some lovely lazy days to hang out with him..

Smiling!

xx

Cold Feet

I love that this is a place where I can be completely honest. You gals are really the only ones who read my posts, with no judgements - it's awesome!

Ok - truth? I'm freaking out about the Boy's return in 5 days. FREAKING. OUT. (ps - Em - thankyou again!! xxx)

But not all the time.

When I am freaking out, I have butterflies in my stomach, I feel anxious, I feel insecure, and I feel sad. I feel nervous.

When I'm not freaking out, bizarrely - and believe me, I never thought this was how I would feel - I'm kind of indifferent. My indifferent moments are sweetened by the fact that I was promoted at work yesterday. I'm finally, officially, a producer! Well, a 'Post Producer' to be exact. You film chicks know what that means aye? So I'm very excited!! And with a massive workload coming up in the next couple of weeks before the Chrissie break, and pretty much the first half of next year, I have so much to keep me busy, it's sort of steered me into a headspace where I'm happy to be busy and 'single' and saving $$.

Well.. maybe not 100% happy. But surviving and smiling at least! I think I've kind of been preparing myself for the worst. For the possibility that he will come back to NZ and break up with me. Fearing that he has decided over the past 5 months that I'm not the one for him. Not that I've told him this.. Geez - way to exercise whatever the opposite of the law of attraction is Ali.. To him, I'm as positive as I can possibly be!

Anyway - 5 more days and I'm sure things will become much clearer to me. I don't want to spoil that magic airport moment that has occupied my daydreams for so long by lowering my expectations too much - I really still can't wait to see him again and hug him and laugh..

But I just don't know what is going to happen..

xx

So close, yet still so far...

Sorry for the lack of updates lately! It's been a little hard getting used to the idea that my Boy pushed his "Return To NZ" date back by a whole 12 days.... It may not sound like much, but considering I was expecting him to return next Wednesday, but now it's still 3 weeks away, I'm sure you can sympathise with me!!

Anyway - 3 weeks today and he will be back! Ugh - I'm so over waiting.... This has been P.A.I.N.F.U.L. The hardest part? The thinking about it constantly. I wish I could flick a switch in my brain to turn off the anxiety.

I'm trying to keep busy with a whole bunch of random things coming up - watching Jackass 3D tomorrow night (and trying not to vomit), watching Les Miserables (Cameron Mackintosh's 25th anniversary stage show on the big screen at the Embassy!) on Wednesday, CIB Surveillance Night on Friday (but that's another story.... involving a jaunt around the Welly CBD and $40 worth of alcohol in a very short space of time...), my monthly hot stone massage on Sunday, and the following couple of weeks will include a haircut, a wax, some Summer Glow, a major spring clean of my bedroom and the fridge, and quite a bit of fidgeting as I continue counting down!!

What I'm really looking forward to....

Giving him his birthday present - a little belated..

Hugging him!

Making plans for a NY holiday next year..

Christmas in Sydney - not with him, but something I'm hugely looking forward to anyway because it will be all of my sisters together for Christmas for the first time in I don't know how long!

New Years with him!

Going for lazy walks down by the water and sitting in the sunshine (with my 85+ sunscreen) holding hands..

Bring in the same room as him, instead of on the other side of a computer screen!

I hope you're all looking forward to your Aussie summer, or your UK/NY winter - wherever you may be!

Thinking of you all! xxx

33 days, 15 hours, 29 minutes, 18 seconds

Pic: Le Love

What I love is that by the time I've finished writing this post, it will be even less than that!

Just thought I'd update you lovely ladies with how things are going. I skyped my Boy this afternoon and he's great! Our usual skype time is at the end of my work day - 5pm here is midnight in NYC. He is a bit of a night owl - his work day is 10am-8pm-ish, and he's not usually in bed before midnight. Unlike me - I'm asleep by 11pm most nights... Nanna, I know... So when we skype, I'm either still at work, hiding away in an empty office with my laptop, or I race home to catch him before he nods off. He's usually in bed, and our conversation consists of a fair bit of yawning on his part towards the end. He's amazing, staying up late to talk to me - I'm so glad I get to be the one who is wide awake. I tried the waiting up late thing once to skype him in his morning, and it sucked... On average, we skype about every 3 or 4 days, which is awesome.

I'm so jealous that his Dad is flying over to NYC next Friday to spend 12 days with him. I wish there was room in his suitcase to take me!! So all he is focused on right now is the fact that he has to be out of his current flat in Brooklyn this Sunday, and find a 2-bedroom flat to share with his Dad before his Dad arrives next weekend. And because he wants to stay in Brooklyn, he's struggling to find a suitable place (not too expensive..!) in a nice (not dodgy..!) area.. He's not freaking out just yet, but starting to get a little desperate.

So it's still looking like December 1st for his return - though this could possibly change to a little later - he will hopefully know for sure this week. If it is later, I'll deal with it, but it's such a nice feeling right now that he's just under 5 weeks away from being back here in NZ with me. It's obviously starting to get colder over there now, and much warmer over here - it was 18 degrees today!! Scorcher! He won't want to stay too much beyond the end of November because he hates the cold weather. So fingers crossed he'll be on the flight he's currently booked on.

I'm feeling really great about everything - especially for the fact that we've been able to keep this going all this time. It's nearly 4 months since he left, and though we've had some quite honest chats about how things have been going while we've been apart, we're both determined to pick up where we left off very soon. Although it's not over yet, I can honestly tell you girls this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I've wanted to be in a relationship with someone wonderful for such a long time (a looooooong time...!!). To have it finally arrive this year, and shortly afterwards have it - in a sense - taken away from me, I can't tell you what a struggle it has been. It almost feels like a test.

So Al - you say you want this? Really? Well let's see just how much you want it biatch! Let's play hard ball. You get 5 more months of singledom, and then see how much you really want it Sweetheart.. 

Well - I still want it! So much! I can't wait for the summer, and I can't wait to decide what to do next year. There's a pesky little creature whispering in my ear, suggesting I should decide to stay in NZ for the next few years, but my hunger for other things is just that bit stronger at the moment. 

Let's see shall we!

x

14,401 kilometres

Distance is difficult. I should be used to it by now, having lived for two years in Scotland, and now almost two years in New Zealand. Things happen back home while you're away. Lives carry on. People change. But I'm so lucky that my relationships with the people I love don't change. We all know that a day or a week or a month or two without communication doesn't alter anything. We can pick up exactly where we left off quite easily. The reason for this is that we have had the time to build relationships that will last. We know so much about each other, and have shared so many experiences. We've had ups and downs, laughter and tears, and we've weathered it all to create a lasting bond with each other.

Such relationships don't form overnight - not so much those with our immediate family, but friendships in particular take years to become worth holding on to. That's what makes them so special.

What I've been learning over the past couple of months is to be patient. I'm in the midst of a brand new long-distance relationship. The Boy and I had only really been together for eight weeks before he left NZ for NYC, and he has now been away almost twelve weeks. I've been struggling lately with having to accept that we are in a holding pattern, with no real progress being made while this distance (14,401 kms..) is between us. To use The Boy's term, we really cannot expect our relationship to 'deepen' until we are back together in the same city. Do you know how hard it was to realise that?

It would be nice if the only thing separating us was this bridge...

 Henri Silberman

What is amazing to me about this is that we are still making it work! It is hard, believe me. Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to be patient about. This ain't no staring at the presents under the Christmas Tree and knowing you can't open them for another five sleeps... This is doing what I've always done - waking up alone, going to work, coming home, making dinner for one, and going to bed alone for another nine weeks (yep - currently Wednesday, 1st December is the date to get excited about, though ignoring the fact that I might be jinxing myself by writing this - it could be a couple of weeks later again.. sigh..) - but knowing there is a gorgeous boy coming to join me at the end of it. Impatience actually doesn't even come close to the way I'm feeling! There have been tears and frustrations - on my end of course. I am the one still going about my day-to-day life, being well behaved and saving my money, getting ready to move myself to NY next year. The Boy has somehow been able to flick the 'pause' switch without too much trouble.

What makes me smile is that we are still both happy to be patient, and wait until we are back in the same city again to pick up where we left off. How exciting! We haven't had time to get to know each other properly, but we also haven't had time to get sick of each other yet. What we have had time to do is decide that this is something worth waiting for.

So no more 'are we there yet? are we there yet?' from me. Rather, I'm getting the ball rolling by starting to make contact with people who can help me find work in NYC. Speaking of which - I welcome any and all suggestions from you girls (Katie, Ally...!!!)

The Single Life

Some things I've been loving about have all this me-time available? Things that I perhaps took for granted for that whole other 30.5 years of my life before my Boy came along?

Not getting out of my pyjamas for an entire weekend. Not even to go to the supermarket - my lovely winter coat hides a multitude of sins.

Not having to shave my legs for 4 weeks, until it's time to go to my monthly massage appointment and being too ashamed to subject the poor masseuse to such horrors. Then remembering how nice it feels to have freshly smooth legs!

Watching episode after episode of Mad Men on weeknights. Accompanied by blocks of Cadbury.

Not having my stuff scattered over two different houses. There is so much more thinking to be done when you have to consider what you're going to wear to work well before the time that you usually have to think about - that being when you're actually getting ready for work and you have an entire wardrobe to choose from...!

Ordering Pizza for dinner two nights in a row. Not from the same place though - what do you take me for?? Hell Pizza one night, Pizza Pomodoro the next. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

You know what? There's not a lot else I can think of. I loved having my Boy to hang out with! I love that he's in New York and working hard and playing hard and hanging out with his old friends and experiencing the greatest city in the world, and I get to hear about it all first hand. We're in contact every single day, and the one-month mark suddenly descended upon me today without so much as a whimper. Time is totally flying!

Itchy Feet

Rach - I'm sharing one of your posts here because it really struck a chord with me.

When I asked if she ever got tired of all the running around, she said no, this has always been her preferred way: the life of the high-end nomad, moving from town to town…Like the hero of Apocalypse Now, wherever Jolie is, she wants to be in the other place. This can make her seem removed, less like a person living in the now than like someone living in the five minutes from now. She seems both mystical and beyond petty nationalism, but her footloose drive for new experience is pure Americana. “Anytime I feel lost, I pull out a map and stare,” she told me. “I stare until I have reminded myself that life is a giant adventure, so much to do, to see.”’

-- Angelina Jolie, as interviewed by Vanity Fair

I have lived in NZ for 18 months. I think within one month of moving here, I was already thinking about where I wanted to go next. And I think that's why I imposed a time limit on my stay here - 2 years. The first reason being that 2 years is the minimum amount of time I'd like for a job on my resume. My previous job I was only at for 15 months, so I knew this one had to make a bigger mark. The second reason is that I can conceive of how long two years is. I lived in the UK for two years in my early 20's. It was enough time to get a lot done. But it wasn't long enough to get bored. And I hate being bored. Only boring people are bored, so says Betty Draper.

Apart from growing up in Sydney, I also lived in Sydney for 4 and a half years in between the UK and NZ. I think I was pulled in two opposite directions during that time. On one side, I was leading myself towards settling down to a life in Sydney. I was purchasing furniture. I was developing a career. I was on the hunt for a relationship. But something wasn't quite sitting right. I still don't know exactly what it was, but I like to use this quote from Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey to try and describe it..

"If adventures will not befall a young lady in her own village, she must seek them abroad."

I definitely started to get bored during that time back in Sydney. So the other direction that was pulling me was to get out of Australia and see what else was out there. I've never been one to sit around and wait for things to happen to me. I go searching for them. NZ has been a fantastic adventure so far. I'm working for a really incredible company, and through that I'm meeting some fantastic people. And the city is just beautiful and peaceful and vibrant and cultural. And of course, I met my Boy! It was definitely the right move at the right time. I'm now really starting to settle in to a lifestyle here, but I constantly have those pangs of curiousity - what else is out there? New York is like a great big magnet. It has been pulling at my head and my heart for years, and I feel that it might now be pulling at my body. I'm loving living vicariously through my Boy at the moment - hearing about where he's shopping and eating and going to movies and catching the A-Train. I can't wait for the day when I click that "OK" button and my flights are booked. Another adventure will start.. I can hardly contain my excitement!

Distance

Apologies for the delay - I've just not felt the drive to post in the past week - it hasn't been particularly easy-going. But I am pleased to announce I think I'm finally in a great place! Randomly, it seems like it was that 1-week hurdle that did it..

When I spent two years in the UK in my 20's, my methods of communication with family and friends back home were email, phone and snail mail. I sent regular group emails to update people with what I'd been doing. I spoke to my family once a week - where I lived, we had a pay-phone, and I had a fantastic cheap phone card that seemed to drag 50 pounds out to 6 months or so. I did have a UK mobile phone that I used for text messages occasionally, but you can only communicate so much information in a text message right? My Grandma posted me wonderful letters all the time. I still have them all kept safe in a box somewhere back home. There was no facebook back then. I didn't have access to the internet often enough for any sort of web-chat. There was no skype. And I survived.

With my boy in NYC, we have soooo many options. Facebook, email, chat, skype, phone, mail, text... And I still reeeaaallllllly struggled last week! The timezone doesn't help matters - count 8 hours ahead and a day behind - it sucks lots of asses.

I've had to talk myself into relaxing about it. Not so much lowering my expectations, but rather not having any expectations at all. I woke up to this on Saturday morning with the realisation that he is in exactly the same boat as me. I ended up having the most fantastic weekend, with some lovely surprises of emails and skypes and photos. The whole 'not expecting it' method meant that every single little bit of contact put a massive smile on my face! And in a big step for me, I'm going cold turkey on my personal email at work. The distraction is not worth it. I am actually getting paid to do a job, so my focus will be much better spent being drawn back to where it belongs during the hours of 9 and 6.. It will make receiving an email so much sweeter at the end of the day!