The End

Hello my lovely friends,

I know it's been a long time. Probably because I've been afraid to write anything about this inevitable event.

We broke up last night. Or to be more specific - he broke up with me. But I had been thinking about it for a while. Well, I think around 30% of me was thinking about breaking up with him. The other 70% of me was hoping against hope that it was going to work.

His reason? He can't commit to a long term relationship with me. He fears he is too shallow, and like his father before him, he will leave me for a younger woman in 5, 10, 20 years. He possibly could keep it going, but he doesn't know for how long, and he doesn't feel sure enough that it will end happily ever after, so he wants to stop disappointing me and let me go.

I told him I felt sorry for him. That he would end up alone. 'Probably..' he said.. And he knows he will regret breaking up with me, but I told him there would be no second chance.

It's all him, it's not me. I gave the best of myself to the relationship. I tried my hardest, but also probably gave up some of myself in the process. I felt I compromised for him, because I feared if I pressed too hard for what I wanted, I would lose him.

I'm not going to blog any more for a while. I don't feel that there is anything I can talk about. I'm just going to try and piece myself back together again and carry on.

I don't think NYC is in the picture any more - I do still desperately want to go there, but not until I'm in a better frame of mind. And he is going back there at the end of this month anyway. Right now all I can think about is moving back to Sydney. The problem there is that I do actually love my job and don't really want to leave it. But I miss my family and my friends so terribly, that I just feel alone now in Wellington. I have 'friends' but no-one I feel very close to.

How do I get through this? Everyone says - keep busy, make a clean break, don't contact him. I know that's what I have to do, but my heart is so far down in my stomach right now, that all I want to do is curl up into a little hole and disappear. Yes, time will heal it. And I know it's for the best. It was only making me sad anyway, and today is the beginning of the end of that sadness. Is that a positive? I think it has to be. I know this feeling of despair will pass - it always does. I know I will feel better. I just can't see it yet.

My plan tonight - to go straight to yoga class at 8pm. Skype my friend Cathie at 9:30pm. Try and get some sleep (because I have just had my first entirely sleepless night last night). Then tomorrow night I am going to look at a potential new flat to move to, in a different suburb.

I feel like the past 11 months since we started properly dating has been a waste of time. What a horrible feeling. Please let it pass quickly!

xx

Breathing again..

Hello you gorgeous girls! Thank you all for your warm thoughts in my final countdown for The Boy's return - it was an anxious few days, and you should have felt my heart booming through my chest as I stood at Gate 10 waiting for him to get off the plane... My whole body was shaking!

Just a quick update to let you know all is well..

The Boy is BACK! Phew!

We're still settling in and getting used to each other again..

Taking it slow..

Remembering why we like each other..

Really looking forward to finishing work for the year and having some lovely lazy days to hang out with him..

Smiling!

xx

Cold Feet

I love that this is a place where I can be completely honest. You gals are really the only ones who read my posts, with no judgements - it's awesome!

Ok - truth? I'm freaking out about the Boy's return in 5 days. FREAKING. OUT. (ps - Em - thankyou again!! xxx)

But not all the time.

When I am freaking out, I have butterflies in my stomach, I feel anxious, I feel insecure, and I feel sad. I feel nervous.

When I'm not freaking out, bizarrely - and believe me, I never thought this was how I would feel - I'm kind of indifferent. My indifferent moments are sweetened by the fact that I was promoted at work yesterday. I'm finally, officially, a producer! Well, a 'Post Producer' to be exact. You film chicks know what that means aye? So I'm very excited!! And with a massive workload coming up in the next couple of weeks before the Chrissie break, and pretty much the first half of next year, I have so much to keep me busy, it's sort of steered me into a headspace where I'm happy to be busy and 'single' and saving $$.

Well.. maybe not 100% happy. But surviving and smiling at least! I think I've kind of been preparing myself for the worst. For the possibility that he will come back to NZ and break up with me. Fearing that he has decided over the past 5 months that I'm not the one for him. Not that I've told him this.. Geez - way to exercise whatever the opposite of the law of attraction is Ali.. To him, I'm as positive as I can possibly be!

Anyway - 5 more days and I'm sure things will become much clearer to me. I don't want to spoil that magic airport moment that has occupied my daydreams for so long by lowering my expectations too much - I really still can't wait to see him again and hug him and laugh..

But I just don't know what is going to happen..

xx

So close, yet still so far...

Sorry for the lack of updates lately! It's been a little hard getting used to the idea that my Boy pushed his "Return To NZ" date back by a whole 12 days.... It may not sound like much, but considering I was expecting him to return next Wednesday, but now it's still 3 weeks away, I'm sure you can sympathise with me!!

Anyway - 3 weeks today and he will be back! Ugh - I'm so over waiting.... This has been P.A.I.N.F.U.L. The hardest part? The thinking about it constantly. I wish I could flick a switch in my brain to turn off the anxiety.

I'm trying to keep busy with a whole bunch of random things coming up - watching Jackass 3D tomorrow night (and trying not to vomit), watching Les Miserables (Cameron Mackintosh's 25th anniversary stage show on the big screen at the Embassy!) on Wednesday, CIB Surveillance Night on Friday (but that's another story.... involving a jaunt around the Welly CBD and $40 worth of alcohol in a very short space of time...), my monthly hot stone massage on Sunday, and the following couple of weeks will include a haircut, a wax, some Summer Glow, a major spring clean of my bedroom and the fridge, and quite a bit of fidgeting as I continue counting down!!

What I'm really looking forward to....

Giving him his birthday present - a little belated..

Hugging him!

Making plans for a NY holiday next year..

Christmas in Sydney - not with him, but something I'm hugely looking forward to anyway because it will be all of my sisters together for Christmas for the first time in I don't know how long!

New Years with him!

Going for lazy walks down by the water and sitting in the sunshine (with my 85+ sunscreen) holding hands..

Bring in the same room as him, instead of on the other side of a computer screen!

I hope you're all looking forward to your Aussie summer, or your UK/NY winter - wherever you may be!

Thinking of you all! xxx

33 days, 15 hours, 29 minutes, 18 seconds

Pic: Le Love

What I love is that by the time I've finished writing this post, it will be even less than that!

Just thought I'd update you lovely ladies with how things are going. I skyped my Boy this afternoon and he's great! Our usual skype time is at the end of my work day - 5pm here is midnight in NYC. He is a bit of a night owl - his work day is 10am-8pm-ish, and he's not usually in bed before midnight. Unlike me - I'm asleep by 11pm most nights... Nanna, I know... So when we skype, I'm either still at work, hiding away in an empty office with my laptop, or I race home to catch him before he nods off. He's usually in bed, and our conversation consists of a fair bit of yawning on his part towards the end. He's amazing, staying up late to talk to me - I'm so glad I get to be the one who is wide awake. I tried the waiting up late thing once to skype him in his morning, and it sucked... On average, we skype about every 3 or 4 days, which is awesome.

I'm so jealous that his Dad is flying over to NYC next Friday to spend 12 days with him. I wish there was room in his suitcase to take me!! So all he is focused on right now is the fact that he has to be out of his current flat in Brooklyn this Sunday, and find a 2-bedroom flat to share with his Dad before his Dad arrives next weekend. And because he wants to stay in Brooklyn, he's struggling to find a suitable place (not too expensive..!) in a nice (not dodgy..!) area.. He's not freaking out just yet, but starting to get a little desperate.

So it's still looking like December 1st for his return - though this could possibly change to a little later - he will hopefully know for sure this week. If it is later, I'll deal with it, but it's such a nice feeling right now that he's just under 5 weeks away from being back here in NZ with me. It's obviously starting to get colder over there now, and much warmer over here - it was 18 degrees today!! Scorcher! He won't want to stay too much beyond the end of November because he hates the cold weather. So fingers crossed he'll be on the flight he's currently booked on.

I'm feeling really great about everything - especially for the fact that we've been able to keep this going all this time. It's nearly 4 months since he left, and though we've had some quite honest chats about how things have been going while we've been apart, we're both determined to pick up where we left off very soon. Although it's not over yet, I can honestly tell you girls this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I've wanted to be in a relationship with someone wonderful for such a long time (a looooooong time...!!). To have it finally arrive this year, and shortly afterwards have it - in a sense - taken away from me, I can't tell you what a struggle it has been. It almost feels like a test.

So Al - you say you want this? Really? Well let's see just how much you want it biatch! Let's play hard ball. You get 5 more months of singledom, and then see how much you really want it Sweetheart.. 

Well - I still want it! So much! I can't wait for the summer, and I can't wait to decide what to do next year. There's a pesky little creature whispering in my ear, suggesting I should decide to stay in NZ for the next few years, but my hunger for other things is just that bit stronger at the moment. 

Let's see shall we!

x

All good things come to an end..

Oh geez I just re-read my title for this post and realised what you guys might think before you read it... Don't worry - nothing has ended for me!! Things are still great - I have survived 15 and a half weeks so far - with 5 and half to go! COME ON December 1st!!


So yes - Eat Pray Love (thanks for posing the question Rach!) whilst being an ordinary film, reminds us that nothing lasts forever. Sigh... We have to enjoy the good things while they are good. But at the same time, I guess all bad things also come to an end. I'm still digesting this article I read on smh today - the question is "should marriages have an expiry date?". Are you kidding me?! Apparently ONE THIRD of Australian marriages end in divorce. I cannot get over that figure. It blows me away.

Being obviously unmarried, I have no personal experience, other than the marriages within my family.

My Dad's parents were married until my Grandad died in the late 70's or early 80's - so, a long time..

My Mum's parents were married until my Grandma passed away almost 2 years ago - 58 years.

My parents have been married almost 33 years.

My sister has been married almost 4 years.

Of my 4 sets of Aunts/Uncles, only one was divorced many, many years ago. The rest have been married a long, long time.

On the other hand, my Boy's parents split when he was 16. His Dad remarried very happily, his Mum hasn't. This is new for me. Even most of my best friends' parents are still married.

In my mind - if/when I get married someday - it will be forever. FOREVER. I don't ever want to experience the pain of divorce. Especially if there are children involved. It makes me so mad to think that anyone would go into a marriage, either firstly for the wrong reasons, or secondly to give up on it. ONE THIRD of all Aussie marriages end in divorce - more than 40% ending within the first 10 years. Is it just me, or do those numbers sound a little ridiculous? Why get married at all? To have a big wedding? To make it legal? I don't quite get it.

I realise there are so many reason surrounding this, and so many angles to view it in, and that's not what I want to get into. All I know is what I feel, and what I want.

Don't get me wrong. I would LOVE to get married! If I ever get asked, I know it will be for the right reasons, and when I say yes, I will be saying yes with all my heart, and I will be making a lifetime commitment to that man. That's what marriage is to me. Or that's what it has always been in the past... It just makes me sad to think how many people believe they are doing the right thing, and then having it fall apart. Call me a romantic...

Pic: Le Love

How to back off when you're running out of time..

Sarah Wilson's post from Monday this week was really interesting. The 'penny dropped' for her that as she could live to be well over 100, there was no need to rush her life.

Given I have, potentially, 90 years left to go, then WHAT’S THE BLOODY RUSH? Why not back off a little? Take my time. My God! Yes! I don’t have to achieve it all by 40. I’ll need to save some fun for when I’m 80. You can’t begin to understand what a load off my being this is. Or perhaps you can? Most of my pain and discord comes from rushing…and feeling time is slipping past me.

It drew an immediate reaction from me so I commented on her post:

Alison says:

This is a great thought but not so easy to put into practice. I look forward to reading about your choices Sarah! Longevity is one thing, but my problem is…. If only us girls were able to relax over our body clocks – this is something we actually can’t just “back off” from, unless we don’t actually want a family.
It’s the one and only reason why anxiety makes it’s evil way into my gut over being a 31 year old female with a promising career and a new boyfriend – and my fears are in the following order – on top, that my relationship will fall apart and I’ll be single again for the next 10 years and lose my chance at having a family (but at least I can pursue my career..) – and next in line, that I start a family soon and lose my chance at making some big steps in my career before it’s too late (but at least I have a family..). Aargh.. I know what’s meant to happen will happen, but I wish we didn’t have this time limit imposed on us.

October 11th, 2010 at 11:21

I checked back yesterday and I can't tell you what a great feeling it was to know that I'm not alone with my fears. Here are two other comments following on from mine..

Rosie Kalber says:

Oh my goodness… Alison you could be me!! I’m 31 and in exactly the same position. I am craving babies and marriage so badly, i’m frightened i’m not going to get them… and my fear is causing me to be negative and pressure my boyfriend, and who knows, I may even end up driving him away.
It’s so hard – the having children part, because we DO have a time limit. I would like to still be fit and active when my children are in their 20’s, you know?
What to do though… let go and accept that things will fall into place in their own time? But what if they don’t? *sigh* It’s so difficult really.
Rosie

October 11th, 2010 at 13:51

Selena says:

Thankyou Sarah for writing this today – I needed to hear this message! Today is my last day in my 20s – big 3-0 tomorrow – and I am characteristically reflective of the things that I have (and have not) achieved. I relate to what Alison and Rosie have shared. I had an age-specific deadline of becoming a mother by now but things haven’t exactly gone to plan. I have however achieved many ‘other’ things – I have numerous university degrees, have travelled the world and have held numerous management positions – the current of which keeps me very busy! Similar to you, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s earlier this year and I know my pace needs to change; I resonate with Mia’s term of ‘grave racing’! However, while I could possibly back the force off with some pursuits, I can not accept the possibility of not having the life I have always dreamed of, and fear that I am also running out of time to get there…

October 11th, 2010 at 17:53

I do want a family. Not right at this very minute, but sometime in the next 4 or 5 years would be awesome. But you just can't plan it, as there are far too many variables. How can we relax when each month that passes us by is another month closer to being too old to have a family? What's meant to happen will happen, but I can't help but feel anxious that it could slip through my fingers.. Us girls definitely have it harder than the boys!

14,401 kilometres

Distance is difficult. I should be used to it by now, having lived for two years in Scotland, and now almost two years in New Zealand. Things happen back home while you're away. Lives carry on. People change. But I'm so lucky that my relationships with the people I love don't change. We all know that a day or a week or a month or two without communication doesn't alter anything. We can pick up exactly where we left off quite easily. The reason for this is that we have had the time to build relationships that will last. We know so much about each other, and have shared so many experiences. We've had ups and downs, laughter and tears, and we've weathered it all to create a lasting bond with each other.

Such relationships don't form overnight - not so much those with our immediate family, but friendships in particular take years to become worth holding on to. That's what makes them so special.

What I've been learning over the past couple of months is to be patient. I'm in the midst of a brand new long-distance relationship. The Boy and I had only really been together for eight weeks before he left NZ for NYC, and he has now been away almost twelve weeks. I've been struggling lately with having to accept that we are in a holding pattern, with no real progress being made while this distance (14,401 kms..) is between us. To use The Boy's term, we really cannot expect our relationship to 'deepen' until we are back together in the same city. Do you know how hard it was to realise that?

It would be nice if the only thing separating us was this bridge...

 Henri Silberman

What is amazing to me about this is that we are still making it work! It is hard, believe me. Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to be patient about. This ain't no staring at the presents under the Christmas Tree and knowing you can't open them for another five sleeps... This is doing what I've always done - waking up alone, going to work, coming home, making dinner for one, and going to bed alone for another nine weeks (yep - currently Wednesday, 1st December is the date to get excited about, though ignoring the fact that I might be jinxing myself by writing this - it could be a couple of weeks later again.. sigh..) - but knowing there is a gorgeous boy coming to join me at the end of it. Impatience actually doesn't even come close to the way I'm feeling! There have been tears and frustrations - on my end of course. I am the one still going about my day-to-day life, being well behaved and saving my money, getting ready to move myself to NY next year. The Boy has somehow been able to flick the 'pause' switch without too much trouble.

What makes me smile is that we are still both happy to be patient, and wait until we are back in the same city again to pick up where we left off. How exciting! We haven't had time to get to know each other properly, but we also haven't had time to get sick of each other yet. What we have had time to do is decide that this is something worth waiting for.

So no more 'are we there yet? are we there yet?' from me. Rather, I'm getting the ball rolling by starting to make contact with people who can help me find work in NYC. Speaking of which - I welcome any and all suggestions from you girls (Katie, Ally...!!!)

It's called a break up because it's broken..

If any of you have any advice for me on this one, I would hugely appreciate it.

My beautiful little sister has just been broken up with by her boyfriend of almost 7 years. They met when she was 18 and spent a year in the UK after high school. He moved to Australia to be with her when she went home. They bought an apartment together last October. She has been a student all this time, and just this year has finally found herself out in the real world as a lawyer. She is so smart, beautiful, friendly, and by all accounts an excellent girlfriend.

But not excellent enough. He has just decided he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

There's nothing I can do about that.. What I need to do is help her survive. They have been together her entire adult life, and what I see as totally awesome for her is that she is only 25 and has so much ahead of her. She will have guys queueing up as soon as they find out she is single. But I don't think she knows how to be single.

She had built up a life with this guy, who was well and truly part of our family. She now sees her entire life slipping away. She can't bear the thought of having to find a flat to share with other people. She believes if this guy didn't want her, nobody else will want her.

It's so difficult to know what to say, when I'm coming from the completely opposite perspective. I have been single pretty much my entire adult life, and only this year have found myself in a relationship. I have shared flats for the past 12 years, and am still doing it now! Yes, it totally sucks, but I do it because it's the best option for me right now. I want to impress upon her that this is not the end, but rather a new beginning for her. That she will find someone who wants her even more than this guy did. That she will find another home.

How do you survive a break-up like this? I've been through plenty of crushing crushes, and they are devastating for a period of time. You bawl your eyes out and think you're never going to find someone else, but then surely enough someone else catches your eye and you start all over again. I now think about me and my Boy and the thought of breaking up is quite terrifying. When I think about that magnified into a seven year relationship, I can't even come close to knowing how my sister must be feeling right now. I would think she just wants to crawl up into a little ball in the darkness and fade away.

I feel so sad for her. We were both crying on the phone last night. She had worked so hard to make this lovely life and it's now over. How do I help her see that she will be ok?

The Single Life

Some things I've been loving about have all this me-time available? Things that I perhaps took for granted for that whole other 30.5 years of my life before my Boy came along?

Not getting out of my pyjamas for an entire weekend. Not even to go to the supermarket - my lovely winter coat hides a multitude of sins.

Not having to shave my legs for 4 weeks, until it's time to go to my monthly massage appointment and being too ashamed to subject the poor masseuse to such horrors. Then remembering how nice it feels to have freshly smooth legs!

Watching episode after episode of Mad Men on weeknights. Accompanied by blocks of Cadbury.

Not having my stuff scattered over two different houses. There is so much more thinking to be done when you have to consider what you're going to wear to work well before the time that you usually have to think about - that being when you're actually getting ready for work and you have an entire wardrobe to choose from...!

Ordering Pizza for dinner two nights in a row. Not from the same place though - what do you take me for?? Hell Pizza one night, Pizza Pomodoro the next. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

You know what? There's not a lot else I can think of. I loved having my Boy to hang out with! I love that he's in New York and working hard and playing hard and hanging out with his old friends and experiencing the greatest city in the world, and I get to hear about it all first hand. We're in contact every single day, and the one-month mark suddenly descended upon me today without so much as a whimper. Time is totally flying!

Distance

Apologies for the delay - I've just not felt the drive to post in the past week - it hasn't been particularly easy-going. But I am pleased to announce I think I'm finally in a great place! Randomly, it seems like it was that 1-week hurdle that did it..

When I spent two years in the UK in my 20's, my methods of communication with family and friends back home were email, phone and snail mail. I sent regular group emails to update people with what I'd been doing. I spoke to my family once a week - where I lived, we had a pay-phone, and I had a fantastic cheap phone card that seemed to drag 50 pounds out to 6 months or so. I did have a UK mobile phone that I used for text messages occasionally, but you can only communicate so much information in a text message right? My Grandma posted me wonderful letters all the time. I still have them all kept safe in a box somewhere back home. There was no facebook back then. I didn't have access to the internet often enough for any sort of web-chat. There was no skype. And I survived.

With my boy in NYC, we have soooo many options. Facebook, email, chat, skype, phone, mail, text... And I still reeeaaallllllly struggled last week! The timezone doesn't help matters - count 8 hours ahead and a day behind - it sucks lots of asses.

I've had to talk myself into relaxing about it. Not so much lowering my expectations, but rather not having any expectations at all. I woke up to this on Saturday morning with the realisation that he is in exactly the same boat as me. I ended up having the most fantastic weekend, with some lovely surprises of emails and skypes and photos. The whole 'not expecting it' method meant that every single little bit of contact put a massive smile on my face! And in a big step for me, I'm going cold turkey on my personal email at work. The distraction is not worth it. I am actually getting paid to do a job, so my focus will be much better spent being drawn back to where it belongs during the hours of 9 and 6.. It will make receiving an email so much sweeter at the end of the day!