Friday, March 11, 2011
Death by Chocolate
Death by chocolate is myth
This I know because I lived
I've been around for broken hearts and how
Lay your head in my hands little girl
This is only right now
Death by crying doesn't exist, though
The headaches feel a bit like it
You might explode
But you reach the end of the road
And you, little tree
I'm certain you will grow
Tears on your pillow will dry and you will learn
Just how to love again
Oh my weeping willow
Let your leaves fall and return
Oh darling the seasons are your friend
Death by anger this is true
Just let him go he can't hurt you
Oh little girl this is such a cruel cruel world
This is the first, of a million broken hearts
Tears on your pillow will dry and you will learn
Just how to love again
Oh my weeping willow
Let your leaves fall and return
Oh darling the seasons are your friend
Oh it won't be long you will grow strong
Up up and away
He's but a falling leaf, he's but a falling leaf, he's but a falling leaf
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The End
Hello my lovely friends,
I know it's been a long time. Probably because I've been afraid to write anything about this inevitable event.
We broke up last night. Or to be more specific - he broke up with me. But I had been thinking about it for a while. Well, I think around 30% of me was thinking about breaking up with him. The other 70% of me was hoping against hope that it was going to work.
His reason? He can't commit to a long term relationship with me. He fears he is too shallow, and like his father before him, he will leave me for a younger woman in 5, 10, 20 years. He possibly could keep it going, but he doesn't know for how long, and he doesn't feel sure enough that it will end happily ever after, so he wants to stop disappointing me and let me go.
I told him I felt sorry for him. That he would end up alone. 'Probably..' he said.. And he knows he will regret breaking up with me, but I told him there would be no second chance.
It's all him, it's not me. I gave the best of myself to the relationship. I tried my hardest, but also probably gave up some of myself in the process. I felt I compromised for him, because I feared if I pressed too hard for what I wanted, I would lose him.
I'm not going to blog any more for a while. I don't feel that there is anything I can talk about. I'm just going to try and piece myself back together again and carry on.
I don't think NYC is in the picture any more - I do still desperately want to go there, but not until I'm in a better frame of mind. And he is going back there at the end of this month anyway. Right now all I can think about is moving back to Sydney. The problem there is that I do actually love my job and don't really want to leave it. But I miss my family and my friends so terribly, that I just feel alone now in Wellington. I have 'friends' but no-one I feel very close to.
How do I get through this? Everyone says - keep busy, make a clean break, don't contact him. I know that's what I have to do, but my heart is so far down in my stomach right now, that all I want to do is curl up into a little hole and disappear. Yes, time will heal it. And I know it's for the best. It was only making me sad anyway, and today is the beginning of the end of that sadness. Is that a positive? I think it has to be. I know this feeling of despair will pass - it always does. I know I will feel better. I just can't see it yet.
My plan tonight - to go straight to yoga class at 8pm. Skype my friend Cathie at 9:30pm. Try and get some sleep (because I have just had my first entirely sleepless night last night). Then tomorrow night I am going to look at a potential new flat to move to, in a different suburb.
I feel like the past 11 months since we started properly dating has been a waste of time. What a horrible feeling. Please let it pass quickly!
xx
I know it's been a long time. Probably because I've been afraid to write anything about this inevitable event.
We broke up last night. Or to be more specific - he broke up with me. But I had been thinking about it for a while. Well, I think around 30% of me was thinking about breaking up with him. The other 70% of me was hoping against hope that it was going to work.
His reason? He can't commit to a long term relationship with me. He fears he is too shallow, and like his father before him, he will leave me for a younger woman in 5, 10, 20 years. He possibly could keep it going, but he doesn't know for how long, and he doesn't feel sure enough that it will end happily ever after, so he wants to stop disappointing me and let me go.
I told him I felt sorry for him. That he would end up alone. 'Probably..' he said.. And he knows he will regret breaking up with me, but I told him there would be no second chance.
It's all him, it's not me. I gave the best of myself to the relationship. I tried my hardest, but also probably gave up some of myself in the process. I felt I compromised for him, because I feared if I pressed too hard for what I wanted, I would lose him.
I'm not going to blog any more for a while. I don't feel that there is anything I can talk about. I'm just going to try and piece myself back together again and carry on.
I don't think NYC is in the picture any more - I do still desperately want to go there, but not until I'm in a better frame of mind. And he is going back there at the end of this month anyway. Right now all I can think about is moving back to Sydney. The problem there is that I do actually love my job and don't really want to leave it. But I miss my family and my friends so terribly, that I just feel alone now in Wellington. I have 'friends' but no-one I feel very close to.
How do I get through this? Everyone says - keep busy, make a clean break, don't contact him. I know that's what I have to do, but my heart is so far down in my stomach right now, that all I want to do is curl up into a little hole and disappear. Yes, time will heal it. And I know it's for the best. It was only making me sad anyway, and today is the beginning of the end of that sadness. Is that a positive? I think it has to be. I know this feeling of despair will pass - it always does. I know I will feel better. I just can't see it yet.
My plan tonight - to go straight to yoga class at 8pm. Skype my friend Cathie at 9:30pm. Try and get some sleep (because I have just had my first entirely sleepless night last night). Then tomorrow night I am going to look at a potential new flat to move to, in a different suburb.
I feel like the past 11 months since we started properly dating has been a waste of time. What a horrible feeling. Please let it pass quickly!
xx
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Breathing again..
Hello you gorgeous girls! Thank you all for your warm thoughts in my final countdown for The Boy's return - it was an anxious few days, and you should have felt my heart booming through my chest as I stood at Gate 10 waiting for him to get off the plane... My whole body was shaking!
Just a quick update to let you know all is well..
The Boy is BACK! Phew!
We're still settling in and getting used to each other again..
Taking it slow..
Remembering why we like each other..
Really looking forward to finishing work for the year and having some lovely lazy days to hang out with him..
Smiling!
xx
Just a quick update to let you know all is well..
The Boy is BACK! Phew!
We're still settling in and getting used to each other again..
Taking it slow..
Remembering why we like each other..
Really looking forward to finishing work for the year and having some lovely lazy days to hang out with him..
Smiling!
xx
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Cold Feet
I love that this is a place where I can be completely honest. You gals are really the only ones who read my posts, with no judgements - it's awesome!
Ok - truth? I'm freaking out about the Boy's return in 5 days. FREAKING. OUT. (ps - Em - thankyou again!! xxx)
But not all the time.
When I am freaking out, I have butterflies in my stomach, I feel anxious, I feel insecure, and I feel sad. I feel nervous.
When I'm not freaking out, bizarrely - and believe me, I never thought this was how I would feel - I'm kind of indifferent. My indifferent moments are sweetened by the fact that I was promoted at work yesterday. I'm finally, officially, a producer! Well, a 'Post Producer' to be exact. You film chicks know what that means aye? So I'm very excited!! And with a massive workload coming up in the next couple of weeks before the Chrissie break, and pretty much the first half of next year, I have so much to keep me busy, it's sort of steered me into a headspace where I'm happy to be busy and 'single' and saving $$.
Well.. maybe not 100% happy. But surviving and smiling at least! I think I've kind of been preparing myself for the worst. For the possibility that he will come back to NZ and break up with me. Fearing that he has decided over the past 5 months that I'm not the one for him. Not that I've told him this.. Geez - way to exercise whatever the opposite of the law of attraction is Ali.. To him, I'm as positive as I can possibly be!
Anyway - 5 more days and I'm sure things will become much clearer to me. I don't want to spoil that magic airport moment that has occupied my daydreams for so long by lowering my expectations too much - I really still can't wait to see him again and hug him and laugh..
But I just don't know what is going to happen..
xx
Ok - truth? I'm freaking out about the Boy's return in 5 days. FREAKING. OUT. (ps - Em - thankyou again!! xxx)
But not all the time.
When I am freaking out, I have butterflies in my stomach, I feel anxious, I feel insecure, and I feel sad. I feel nervous.
When I'm not freaking out, bizarrely - and believe me, I never thought this was how I would feel - I'm kind of indifferent. My indifferent moments are sweetened by the fact that I was promoted at work yesterday. I'm finally, officially, a producer! Well, a 'Post Producer' to be exact. You film chicks know what that means aye? So I'm very excited!! And with a massive workload coming up in the next couple of weeks before the Chrissie break, and pretty much the first half of next year, I have so much to keep me busy, it's sort of steered me into a headspace where I'm happy to be busy and 'single' and saving $$.
Well.. maybe not 100% happy. But surviving and smiling at least! I think I've kind of been preparing myself for the worst. For the possibility that he will come back to NZ and break up with me. Fearing that he has decided over the past 5 months that I'm not the one for him. Not that I've told him this.. Geez - way to exercise whatever the opposite of the law of attraction is Ali.. To him, I'm as positive as I can possibly be!
Anyway - 5 more days and I'm sure things will become much clearer to me. I don't want to spoil that magic airport moment that has occupied my daydreams for so long by lowering my expectations too much - I really still can't wait to see him again and hug him and laugh..
But I just don't know what is going to happen..
xx
Monday, November 29, 2010
Spicy Icecream
New Blog!! Well, it's not a new blog - has been going since 2007, but it's new to me... spicy icecream - check it out!
I love stumbling upon things like this - a friend on Facebook called for everyone to advise on some new food blogs so she could get some kitchen inspiration. This was one that someone added to the list and the name alone (with my sweet tooth..!) was enough to make me want to check it out.
Looks like she's a Sydney chick who loves not only experimenting in the kitchen, but also trying out incredible restaurants and photographing and reviewing her meals. I love these sorts of blogs!! They make your mouth water, and give you the best look at what you're really going to experience going to these places..
Straight away my eye is caught by this recipe - Quince and Rhubarb Ripple Icecream!! However, I have a problem with my current accomodation.... No freezer.... But it's going on my list of things to try someday soon when I live in a PROPER house....
I love stumbling upon things like this - a friend on Facebook called for everyone to advise on some new food blogs so she could get some kitchen inspiration. This was one that someone added to the list and the name alone (with my sweet tooth..!) was enough to make me want to check it out.
Looks like she's a Sydney chick who loves not only experimenting in the kitchen, but also trying out incredible restaurants and photographing and reviewing her meals. I love these sorts of blogs!! They make your mouth water, and give you the best look at what you're really going to experience going to these places..
Straight away my eye is caught by this recipe - Quince and Rhubarb Ripple Icecream!! However, I have a problem with my current accomodation.... No freezer.... But it's going on my list of things to try someday soon when I live in a PROPER house....
Monday, November 22, 2010
So close, yet still so far...
Sorry for the lack of updates lately! It's been a little hard getting used to the idea that my Boy pushed his "Return To NZ" date back by a whole 12 days.... It may not sound like much, but considering I was expecting him to return next Wednesday, but now it's still 3 weeks away, I'm sure you can sympathise with me!!
Anyway - 3 weeks today and he will be back! Ugh - I'm so over waiting.... This has been P.A.I.N.F.U.L. The hardest part? The thinking about it constantly. I wish I could flick a switch in my brain to turn off the anxiety.
I'm trying to keep busy with a whole bunch of random things coming up - watching Jackass 3D tomorrow night (and trying not to vomit), watching Les Miserables (Cameron Mackintosh's 25th anniversary stage show on the big screen at the Embassy!) on Wednesday, CIB Surveillance Night on Friday (but that's another story.... involving a jaunt around the Welly CBD and $40 worth of alcohol in a very short space of time...), my monthly hot stone massage on Sunday, and the following couple of weeks will include a haircut, a wax, some Summer Glow, a major spring clean of my bedroom and the fridge, and quite a bit of fidgeting as I continue counting down!!
What I'm really looking forward to....
Giving him his birthday present - a little belated..
Hugging him!
Making plans for a NY holiday next year..
Christmas in Sydney - not with him, but something I'm hugely looking forward to anyway because it will be all of my sisters together for Christmas for the first time in I don't know how long!
New Years with him!
Going for lazy walks down by the water and sitting in the sunshine (with my 85+ sunscreen) holding hands..
Bring in the same room as him, instead of on the other side of a computer screen!
I hope you're all looking forward to your Aussie summer, or your UK/NY winter - wherever you may be!
Thinking of you all! xxx
Anyway - 3 weeks today and he will be back! Ugh - I'm so over waiting.... This has been P.A.I.N.F.U.L. The hardest part? The thinking about it constantly. I wish I could flick a switch in my brain to turn off the anxiety.
I'm trying to keep busy with a whole bunch of random things coming up - watching Jackass 3D tomorrow night (and trying not to vomit), watching Les Miserables (Cameron Mackintosh's 25th anniversary stage show on the big screen at the Embassy!) on Wednesday, CIB Surveillance Night on Friday (but that's another story.... involving a jaunt around the Welly CBD and $40 worth of alcohol in a very short space of time...), my monthly hot stone massage on Sunday, and the following couple of weeks will include a haircut, a wax, some Summer Glow, a major spring clean of my bedroom and the fridge, and quite a bit of fidgeting as I continue counting down!!
What I'm really looking forward to....
Giving him his birthday present - a little belated..
Hugging him!
Making plans for a NY holiday next year..
Christmas in Sydney - not with him, but something I'm hugely looking forward to anyway because it will be all of my sisters together for Christmas for the first time in I don't know how long!
New Years with him!
Going for lazy walks down by the water and sitting in the sunshine (with my 85+ sunscreen) holding hands..
Bring in the same room as him, instead of on the other side of a computer screen!
I hope you're all looking forward to your Aussie summer, or your UK/NY winter - wherever you may be!
Thinking of you all! xxx
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Happy Birthday Boy
Yep - it's his birthday today. Well, today NZ time. Tomorrow NY time! 48 hour birthday - lucky thing!
Unfortunately, he's found himself kind of homeless this week.. He had to move out of his flat today, and can't move into his new flat until the end of this week, and this was all very last minute, and none of his friends have spare beds right now, so he has checked himself into The Jane for tonight. What awesome hotels they have in NYC! This was where the survivors of the Titanic were housed after it sunk in 1912!
He has a Standard Cabin, and it is just hilarious. I just skyped him an hour ago from his room, and the bed is literally 4 feet long! I asked him how many steps he could take to cross the room. His reply? 1.64. The bathroom? Down the hall - bring your soap-on-a-rope.
So it's certainly no 5 stars, but at $99/night, and an awesome location in the West Village, he can't complain. In fact, he finds it hilarious - quite a novelty for his 35th birthday.
Wish I was over there with him to celebrate!!
Oh yeah, and what did I get him for his birthday? Something from this guy...!! I've got it here in NZ so he doesn't know what it is yet, but will find out in 4 weeks!
Unfortunately, he's found himself kind of homeless this week.. He had to move out of his flat today, and can't move into his new flat until the end of this week, and this was all very last minute, and none of his friends have spare beds right now, so he has checked himself into The Jane for tonight. What awesome hotels they have in NYC! This was where the survivors of the Titanic were housed after it sunk in 1912!
He has a Standard Cabin, and it is just hilarious. I just skyped him an hour ago from his room, and the bed is literally 4 feet long! I asked him how many steps he could take to cross the room. His reply? 1.64. The bathroom? Down the hall - bring your soap-on-a-rope.
So it's certainly no 5 stars, but at $99/night, and an awesome location in the West Village, he can't complain. In fact, he finds it hilarious - quite a novelty for his 35th birthday.
Wish I was over there with him to celebrate!!
Oh yeah, and what did I get him for his birthday? Something from this guy...!! I've got it here in NZ so he doesn't know what it is yet, but will find out in 4 weeks!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)